ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE KINGDOM OF CASPIAN

To: The Mockingbird Foundation
Attn: Charles A. Dirksen

Dear Mr Dirksen et al:

We don’t know one another, however, it has come to my attention that you have bestowed upon me an unfortunate nickname. I’m not entirely certain what’s been done to incite such anger, however, if you’ll allow me to pontificate for a moment, I think you’ll find it most unjustified.

First and foremost, you may think that due to my royal title, life is easy for me. In fact, I suspect you think that I spend most of my days lazily floating about the waves. Not true! You may not realize that I have no feet! NO FEET! All I have are two mostly useless stumps. Floating on the waves is not a sign of my relaxed days, but rather, my sole form of unassisted transport. I have it on good word that you don’t taunt other differently-abled folks, so I’m perplexed as to why I’ve received the brunt of your frustrations.

Secondly, are you aware that my kingdom consists almost entirely of demons? Not just any demons - cave-dwellers! Near-universally known as the worst type of demon! Not quite sunny California, is it?

It’s true, there are others besides the demons. There are children; but not merry, amusing, smiling children - enslaved, sweaty, sun- and brow-beaten, unbathed children. What do these children do? They sow seed and chaf wheat. That’s their day, music fans. There’s no internet in the hot fields. They don’t tweet setlists and calculate their sowing stats. These kids are working 100% of their day, and upon completion of a successful day, they’re rewarded with what? F*@#ing wheat.

Let’s discuss my theme song for a moment. I’m not sure what bothers you about it. Is it the accessible G-C-D chord progression? Is it the mellow tempo? Perhaps the fact that those who can’t yet ingest Foam and Esther like it? All I want to do is please you, give an often much-needed rest during a set. Make you sway with your arm around your brothers.

Instead you call me Fuckerpants. Fuckerpants! I’ve telegrammed the band an urgent request for a 65-minute set II Caspian for night 3 of The Greek. Enjoy the shows, suckers.

Fondly, His Royal Majesty,

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