Phish.net > Charts > Narration Chart: "Harpua", 1991-10-28

TREY: Once upon a time, in a tiny little village nestled among these enormous mountains stretching in the distance everywhere, there lived this evil, evil man. This evil man didn’t like to mingle with the townsfolk so every day he would would half an hour up into the mountains and sleep up in this little tiny cabin somewhere up in the mountains with his mangy little dog.

So there he’d go every night, in his little cabin and the only thing he ever had to worry about there was bears who would sometimes come and bother him. But, the dog would generally scare the bears away so everything was cool. This dog was a pretty mean dog; this dog was a mangy mutt with saliva dripping down and big jowls hanging off, ugly hair, scabs all over his head. The dog would protect the little cabin, so the man, every day when he walked up there, would never have to worry about people coming up and robbing his cabin or anything.

Well, the problem was that these two people would get pretty bored living up in this cabin, so they would have to do things for fun. There they were, on top of old Bear Creek, living up there, and they come back down every day, and they’re looking for a little fun and action. So, what they’d do, they’d walk around town, and the dog and the guy would basically go on a hunt for innocent little yuppie types who would travel around the town.

Well, on this one particular day, the owner of the dog decided to stay up in his cabin and let the dog go out hunting all by himself. So, off the dog went, down the mountain, across the stream, down through the park and into the middle of the town, walking through the different sections of town, past purple houses and little cabins and little stores and then, finally, he sort of ended up walking into the rich area of town where all the rich houses are. And, this dog, he was getting hungrier and hungrier as he walked so he walked along.

Meanwhile, inside one of one of these houses, there sat a young boy. And this young boy’s name was Jimmy. And Jimmy sat on the couch this day, thinking everything was hunky-dory as usual. He was thinking about putting on his little snowboard and going schralping or whatever that afternoon. But in the meantime, he sat on his couch and he petted his little pussycat. ‘Cause he loved his little pussycat so much.

He sat there and said “Little pussycat, when I’m off schralping, I hope that you’re innocently sitting in the couch and that you don’t go out and get in any trouble, because I would be so sad if anything happened to you. Because you are my only love. You are the one. You are the one for me. (purring noises) I love you so much, my little, my little kitty, my little, oh I love you so much, and that’s why, that’s why when you were born to your mother, I had to give you that special name that shows how much I love you, I called you, I decided that morning to name you that special name, I decided to give you, I decided to give you the title that you would bear through your life, that special name, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh OH OH OH OH POSTER NUTBAG!!”

“Poster Nutbag, my little kitty, don’t get into trouble while I’m off schralping.” So Jimmy takes off, and he goes into the mountains. And Poster Nutbag is there. He’s wondering what he should do, and Poster Nutbag decides to take a little walk.

Meanwhile, down from the mountains is walking Harpua, the evil mangy hound. Poster Nutbag goes across the lawn, out into the street, and takes a left, when suddenly, he comes face-to-face with Harpua.

Harpua looks at the cat and knows that his time has come, that hot meal that he was looking for is right before his eyes. Poster Nutbag stands frozen in front of the evil dog as Harpua lets out a low growl. Poster Nutbag coils his body into a deadly arch! Harpua opens his mouth and a hungry drop of saliva drips onto the ground!

Look, the storm’s gone…